There's A Millionaire In Martin County...and He Has Pretty Lawn Ornaments

I'd like to let everyone know that I just found a can of Mountain Dew: Voltage between some bottles of water in my fridge. So what if it looks like it's been thrown against brick wall and has a gargantuan bulb plopping out of the bottom - it's what's inside that counts, right? 

That's what they tell little kids, anyway. I count myself among those who continue to live by that creed. 

After bulling around hoping the swelling would submit itself to my will against it, I finally went and got my ankle X-rayed. I'll have to go check the results tomorrow after school. Yippee. The real good part happened after that.

I'd ridden down with Steven Reed, who is either my cousin or not my cousin, depending on what family members you're taking into account and at which point in time you're counting them. For now, we'll call him a pal. I hopped into his Hummer, whose beautiful interior I marveled at as we made haste to our destination: the house of Jim Booth.

We pulled into his driveway, and I think already Steven was pissing himself. He was ecstatic. I was pretty excited myself at the prospect of stepping foot on a random stranger's property without warning, especially when that random stranger owns 3/4 of the county - but Steven's excitement was showing much more obscenely than my own.

After failing a few times to master the payphone looking pad near the front gate, Steve finally pushed the button that caused the gate to open. I'll confess, my own pants were getting a little warm at this point.

We drove slowly, observing the yard workers who looked to have been cutting the multi-millionaire's lawn. Steve asked one of the men how to get to the front door, which he responded quickly with "Drive around" as if he'd done it daily. Frankly, the men looked like Jim had went into the deepest holler in Martin County and asked four random guys if they wanted to make $1000 dollars and they accepted. One of them was wearing a Lawrence County Football shirt and waved at us as we drove by. I wonder if he knows Lawrence County's team was as poor this past season as was Jim Booth's attendance record at a certain Historical Society Building Grand Opening that occurred earlier this year?

We parked beside two vehicles that were likely not his - they looked used. The walk to the front door, including the steps, seemed like it took a minute. Steven was still busy taking it all in when I told him that one day this would all be his - and I hope it is, truly. What I wouldn't give to see one of my friends, or even just one of my acquaintances, acquire such wealth. I'd be proud.

Steven pushed the doorbell button when we arrived at the door. To the astonishment of both of us, he answered the door himself. We each shook his hand, then got to business.

"We were wondering if you'd like to buy a ticket to the Sheldon Clark car wash for the prom," Steven stated as I held up the tickets for him to see. 

"Probably not," he responded. An awkward response, in my own opinion. Steven explained it further, then Jim asked.

"Is it like, hand-washing?" We both said yes.

"No thanks. I got people who do that for me," he responded. 

Of course he does. He does own Fast Lane, after all. We departed, but not before I shook his hand one last time, staring him right in the eyes and smiling. t I hope I left a mark on the man - not because I wanted to impress him,  but because I want him to know my face, because I believe it will be a face he grows to loathe.

We left the millionaire's mansion with no more money and deflated hopes for winning our first ticket purchasee over. Steven was still ecstatic about our experience - and he had every right to be. I thought it was exhilerating myself. I felt like it was some strange rite of passage, in a way.

On the way out, I kept thinking about a lawn ornament w'd parked near. It looked kind of like the planet Saturn, only it was red, unless I saw it wrong, then it wasn't red, but another color that looked like red to me. It was beautiful - the most beautiful thing in the entire multi-acre property owned by the man who has done so much for Martin County, at least that's what I get from Google searches done on the man.

I'm gonna own a whole yard full of those pretty little planet things. 

No.

I'm gonna buy 15,000 of them and give one to each and every citizen in Martin County. That way, we can all feel good, at least for a little while.

Batman, AWAY!!!
Joshua Aaron Moore

Quote of the Day

"Bad taste creates many more millionaires than good taste." --- Charles Bukowski